Today I had the delightful experience of sitting through a maths exam I knew I was failing... Suffering each question, one by one folding down the corners of the page to remind me to come back and try and answer at least one part of the question. It was horrendous, the panicky feeling was rising and the horrible knowing I was writing complete rubbish filled me up.
A couple of hours after the exam and a few messages from my best friend and a "pep-talk" email from my dad- I finally calmed down a little and realised that this one maths GCSE grade is not the 'be all and end all', there is life beyond this potential failure. I never planned on taking maths any further than the required GCSE level anyway, it's never been part of my Grand Life Plan that I'm sure will take me on many different paths and end up a million miles away from what I actually thought might happen- fingers crossed it turns out well... But the 'Grand Life Plan and Other Exciting Things' will have to wait for another post as I'm getting off track.
What I really wanted to talk about was 'pressure'. It comes in many different forms, many of which make us feel quite uncomfortable, peer-pressure being one particular example. But the kind I'm referring to is something I've recently discovered to be quite a big thing for me- I'm not sure what to call it- perhaps 'personal pressure' would be a suitable title. I'm talking about the pressure we put on ourselves to try to achieve a set goal, of course, personal targets are a brilliant thing that push us to our limits to be the best version of ourselves, but when we have such high expectations of ourselves, perhaps realistically 'unrealistic' ones, it can be a bit of a bummer. And yes, this does have everything to do with my recent failure of a maths exam. I sooo wanted to prove my 'target grade' wrong, I worked so hard to surprise my family when I open my results in August, but now I think that because I built myself up so much, the disappointment means I only have further to fall. I was never going to be an ace maths whiz- my forte and passion is words, the creativity and freedom, something that a one figure answer doesn't give me with maths...But I tried, I wanted for myself to be able to prove that even though I pretty much hate maths, I could do well in it. And of course, as I've been reminded, I don't know the result and won't until August so I shouldn't worry about it. But this is my way of learning from my mistake and putting the exam behind me.
In a messy sort of way what I'm trying to say, to myself, is that I don't have to be the perfect student in everything. As my parents constantly remind me, my best is all I, and they can ask for. Of course I want to do my best and they want me to as well, but part of that is me understanding that I'm not going to achieve top grades in everything, and I don't have to. I'm not taking on every subject next year, I'm not pursuing a career in any sciences and definitely not maths!
The pressure I put on myself is unnecessary and makes the stress of exams that tiny bit more. When I find the balance between 'good pressure' pushing me to my best and 'bad pressure' adding too much unnecessary stress, I'll be good to go. I think it might take a bit of time though as once I'm set in my ways it takes a while to change them. As long as I've got this under control for my A-Levels I should be okay...!
I realise this post seems a little bit like I'm saying, 'lower your expectations of yourself and you're less likely to be disappointed', that is I suppose a condensed version of the post, but with the complete opposite meaning! What I was really trying to say was 'be realistic'. Have goals and targets and never stop until you reach them, fight for your dreams, but be accepting of where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Not everyone can be a maths whiz like me! ;) Give yourself some credit, acknowledge what you're great at and accept that we're all different and don't all have to be perfect. I know the sooner I accept this, the better.
(And to finish off this post, I'm going to start something new! Crazy I know, but I like to keep things fresh and interesting. I've had an ace suggestion to add a little bit to the end of my posts, a little note about what I've learned, most of the time it will be light hearted and probably not the most useful of life advice- but it will tie into my blog title and maybe help me in the future when I'm having a mid-life crisis and I've forgotten all these things I'm writing down and learning from this Big Wide World!- So to a faithful reader, thank you for that suggestion! X)
And so, today The Big Wide World has taught me: I don't have to be perfect, just as I have my strengths, I'm allowed my weaknesses, and by recognising them I am a stronger person for it. I can play my strengths to my advantage.
That's all for now, it's late and I should go to bed! I have two exams tomorrow, geography and physics... wonderful. But I am down to just 7 more exams and then Venice, so I can't complain too much...
Until next time,
L
xxx
All very well said and done but what the hell do you do (excuse my french) when you love both words and figures equally? Life is never as simple as saying I am better at this and i love this because (much like the saying we are what we eat - which is actually blatently incorrect but anyways...) we are what we think we are, afterall reality is only what we percieve to be reality in our heads - are we even in a reality?Does the concept even exist? - so never let what anyone else says, including a grade, put you down because a thought and a mental attitude can go a long way, even longer than a qualification if you promote confidence and self-belief in your own version of reality because who knows, that could in the end be the only thing that actually exists...
ReplyDeleteSoz that was a bit deep. Basically have self-belief.
DeleteWow, that was very deep for a Friday evening- very inspirational and thought provoking too. Definitely food for thought on the whole 'reality' concept.. Maybe you should write a blog with all these questions you have? And 100% believe in yourself. Wise words. L xx
DeleteAnd if you love words and figures- to hell with being one or the other- people never fit in one category. Life doesn't work that way, and if you can't find a place where words and figures works together how you want them to- then go ahead and create your own! You're the artist of your own future. L x
DeleteBut we are what we eat, we eat molecules of glucose which is carbon, oxygen and hydrogen and we are carbon based lifeforms with a lot of water. so how is saying we are what we eat blatantly incorrect? bc from what i see it's perfectly right
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